This is my last post on this tumblr.
Let me know if you’d like to continue to follow me at my new address. :)
I’m not sure how to start this. I had it all planned out in my head last night. And now that I’m here I can’t do it.
I am not impressed. I have come to realize some very strange things. For one, there are all these amazing men around me. Men that tell me I’m beautiful, treat me with respect, shower me with gifts and compliments and never take advantage of me. They are suddenly coming out of the wood work at every angle. But, although I may have told myself otherwise, I don’t feel like myself around any of them. Not one of them makes me feel comfortable enough to be exactly me. Instead I become nonchalant, too laid back, too sarcastic, too guarded.
Maybe this is a problem with me. Maybe all this hurt from the past is finally coming to haunt me. I really thought I got away unscathed but apparently now I don’t know now how to be myself around men. Even around really awesome men.
But there is a part of me that thinks I just haven’t found the right man. Maybe all these other guys are just friends, and really don’t have the potential to be more.
Either way, I’m giving up. Today. I am no longer looking for anything in anyone. I am not going to look into anyone’s eyes and wonder if they will be the one I’ll love next. I’m done. I am done with “love”.
And if I’m done with love, I’m done with everyone that comes attached to it. Past loves, present loves, future loves. First I need to let go of my past.
I’ve come to realize that everything I have held near and dear to my heart the past 3 years is nothing more than a mockery to the rest. I can’t handle that. I am hurt more than I was initially hurt when it was over. To know, that the one time in my life I loved that fiercely is a joke…I can’t handle it. I feel utterly abused, utterly neglected, and utterly disrespected. This beautiful thing we created, although over, would have always been special to me, and now it can’t be…because it wasn’t special to you.
I need to let go more than anything now. I am looking back fondly on a memory that doesn’t exist, or better yet, laughs sneeringly back at me.
It is not fair. It is not human.
So keep laughing. Because this is the last thing you’ll ever hear from me.
Anonymous said: you are very pretty.
Thanks anon. I needed this.
1 year ago
Yesterday I realized how much people suck.
My roommate (mylifeslemons) is probably one of the greatest people I’ve ever been blessed to know. She is the perfect roommate. After three years of subpar rooming situations that usually left me frustrated and anxious, I’ve never been more happy living with someone, especially when that someone is your very best friend. I am so lucky. Usually living with your best friend ends in disaster, for Erin and I, it has been probably the greatest thing that could happen to me. I no longer feel like I have to push myself to be included in certain things. Erin gets me off my ass. Erin feels just like a sister.
This is mostly because we are so different. We are friends simply because we care about eachother; like how sisters are friends. I can think she’s being absolutely ridiculous, but that doesn’t mean I love her any less.
Erin is also the most caring person I know. I’ve never met anyone who genuinely cares about people like she does. She puts everyone else before her self. She’s always willing to help people. Even if she doesn’t want to. She takes responsibility, although sometimes she refuses to open the electric bill until the last minute. :) Erin deserves so much in life, and she’s someone that hasn’t had anything handed to her. She works her ass off. Sometimes I feel like people don’t see it, but I do. I live with her. She’s my sister. She’s my best friend.
Yesterday my sister was hurt by people. I’ve never been so angry. I was driving home listening to her tell me what happen and I couldn’t help but cry. She is the last person to deserve whats happening to her. How DARE a group of girls, claiming to call themselves sisters do this to such a caring, giving, active person. Especially one that gives SO MUCH back to them. Erin’s life revolves around her sorority. I am in one as well, but our apartment is covered with her letters. And I’ve always been fine with that, because frankly, her sorority sisters have always been nicer to me than my own sorority sisters are.
But what they did to her last night is awful. I will never look at this sorority the same ever again, unless they make this right. My opinions of sororities has changed forever.
Seriously, how DARE they call her their sister…
MY sister is wonderful. And now she is totally broken because of this.
Everyone go give her some love today.
i need to do something that will make me feel alive. like today. or tomorrow. because right now i’m so confused.
oh my god. worst dreams ever.
like…what the fuck.
like dreams like this were what i was always so afraid of.
“You spend all your time preaching about waiting for love. Well here it is. Right in front of you, and you’re going to turn your back on it. So I guess we’re just fucked. I’ll move on. But you are going to have to live the rest of your life knowing that you’ve turned your back on love. And that makes you a hypocrite. Have a nice life.”
AWY FROM U by Oberhofer
Its weird to think that there are things in life I’ll never do again. Things that made me so happy. Like, eating pizza and drinking coffee on the kitchen floor catching up on life. Sit in an editting room for 4 hours. Have C.S. Lewis read to me on the beach. Fly my Thomas the Train kite. Make a stop-motion film about PBR. Eat blueberries on my old couch with Huckleberry Finn. Drink a steamer at Brewing Grounds. Dance to “Haus” and collapse. Have a christening party. Feel like that.0 plays
at least i can say i was not afraid
i loved you all the way,
i’d pick the fool any day.